School year, new fears

I feel that in every one's eternal struggle to live, we all have a deep need for acceptance. How often do we find ourselves perfecting who we are to simply be noticed by someone? And how much more do we struggle to be noticed and attended to in a positive way?
I find I have been very guilty of this lately. I have always been self-conscious, but normally the last year or two in a school I have found my place within the school community and I bloom and leave some of the awkwardness behind. This year, being my senior year of college, one would think I would be blooming and having fun and surrounded by friends. Yet, I don't feel I am. Instead, I find I've shrunk back from the people I once enjoyed being around, and I constantly think people are saying bad or negative things about me. I realize now, this could not be the case. People don't even care enough to talk about me, even in a negative light.
How self-absorbed am I?
I constantly want to be the center of attention. Although my horoscope says that a Leo normally is, at the same time, when I do find people are paying attention to me, I completely freak out inside and come across as a complete idiot who can't shut up. Which is one side of me. I am an awkward fat freak who can't put three words together that make sense. Which is really sad. Because another side of me is the person who writes and draws beautiful things and who can be fun to be around, if I'm in the right element and if God is smiling on me.
So why do I not feel accepted? Why do I become this freak who withdraws from people? Why can't I always be fun to be around? Why have I pulled away from the people just last spring I enjoyed being around?
I know these are just words of a frustrated person, which make me seem even more awkward and a complete loser, but I guess I'm hoping to answer one of my own questions.
Maybe it is my beliefs that draw me away from people. I know I won't be asked to go to any parties because I do not want to ever drink alcohol. In a city where the festivals celebrate and encourage drinking as a positive lifestyle, I have seen close friends go into rehab, be killed in accidents, been kicked out of school, marriages fall apart, and teachers roll into class drunk because that's the only outlet they have. I am here to tell you, I do not want to be any of those people. People who are only 23 and whose lives are ruined because they were "only having fun", or "coping", what must their existence be like? I never want to get into a place like that. And I know, some people must say I do the same self-nullifying behaviors with food. Yes, I'll admit it, I do stress eat. But I have been working on it, and food is often easier to deal with than alcohol. So, even though it marks me as a weirdo, and a loser in this town, I am going to scream it here on this blog: I AM 21 YEARS OLD AND I HAVE NEVER HAD ALCOHOL. and DAMMIT I am proud of that fact.
I know I am drawing away from people because I don't want to be put down for this fact. And I have lost touch with friends because we can't agree on this subject. I have not picked a popular path, but when have I ever? So currently, I do know why I've shrunk away from people. If I don't talk to them, they won't hate me for my beliefs. But if I don't talk to people, they will think I'm snubbing them or being mean and rude. So I'm stuck. I feel as if I have few friends, when just last spring I thought I had a whole bunch and that my life was on track. Now I don't. But I don't want to compromise that one belief I know I can stick to. Sometimes, I just think its not worth it, any of it. But then, I remember I do have friends who support this view, but sometimes they just seem so far away. Its all fine and good to have someone in another state who supports me, but it sure makes campus lonely.
So I am sorry that I have become reserved once again, I'm not trying to be rude to anyone, and I am so sorry when I become a complete idiot and loser. My insecurities are eating at me again. I will get over it, it just requires patience. Which believe me, takes a very long time to accomplish. Just remember, I'm trying to give you the same patience when you maybe having problems.