Evil and forgiveness

To quote Glinda,
"Are people born Wicked, or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them?"

This is a question I've been puzzling for some time, due to certain people I've dealt with lately. First, a relative of mine. In February, I said goodbye to her, because I was sick of dealing with her. She has tried to come back into my life, but every time she tries, she fails miserably because its the same problem behavior over and over again. I don't need the snide remarks about what an awful person I am. Trust me, I know it. I know I will never be like her friend's grandson who got busted with drugs, knocked a girl up and flunked out of college within a year. I will never live up to those expectations. As a side note to all of this, we did not spend Easter with her, and it was a nice feeling that I didn't have to be all dressed up and eat like only two pieces of lettuce so I'm not called fat and be harped on for an hour because I'm not married and grilled on what homework projects I'm working on. Instead, I ate brunch with my family and talked and had a nice time. I'm not saying this family member is evil, but she is totally a test on my patience and she often seems mean and cruel. Except to other people. She hates us, it seems, but everyone loves her. I have professors who just love her, and ask about her, and it irks me because I don't see this nice lady that they do. I mean, I didn't invite her to my Teacher Education Ceremony, and as I'm being handed my award, one professor asked where she was. Ummmm, not here. She ruined my graduation, do I really want her here for this? Puh-lease.
If you really want to know how my family and I have been feeling about this, just read this poem my sister wrote. And I present, "The Fire in the Green Chair"
The pain of the words strike my heart.
The look on its face pierces my soul.
"Ignorant bitch," it shouts as I cry,
tear after tear taints my cheeks.
I stumble out of the room,
my father shouting my praises,
to the Satan of my life.
My sister sits quietly, listening,
for my father to set me free.
"Bad company is better than none,"
he screams at the evil spirit.
My mother comforts me,
while the fire burns,
sitting in its green chair.

I think this sums it up nicely. Anyway, to my point about evil, and wickedness. What this person has done to us, could be described as wicked. However, its all how you look at it. And yet, does Jesus not say to love and forgive our enemies? I may be so mad and hurt and confused by what this person has done to me, but is it not in its own way evil of me to not forgive her, to not open my arms to welcome her back, to even have left in the first place? That's the tricky bit about forgiveness. It is so dad-burn hard. So hard to give, when a person is still aching and longing for the hurt to be over, sometimes so hard to accept, when a person has been cut down repeatedly. Just so hard. Its like saying sorry, the little things are blown off with a few simple words, and the big things are avoided because it so hard to humble oneself before another person, to admit a mistake was made. I haven't forgiven her yet, which is wrong, I know, but, I want to mean it when I do, and I've been in a place of hatred for so long, its hard. But, I want to try and fix some of the littler things in my life, even if the people actually never see them, partially because we walked out of each other's lives, and I have no clue what would actually happen if I walked back in and said it to them. But, so people won't be embarrassed by these outpourings of my heart, which will not be said in a sarcastic tone, I will use a nickname that only that person will hopefully know. And no, I'm not trying to be the bigger person, this is simply my diary screaming out loud.

First, Mr. Biscuits, please forgive me for lying. I was actually really mad with you, and really hurt, but I shrugged it off so you would think everything was cool. It isn't, because I think friends should try to talk to each other more than in the summer, and I'm sorry, but that is the only way I know how to get a hold of you, and I don't like writing on people's walls, because then everyone can see it. So please forgive me for that whole mess, and know that I forgive you for unintentionally hurting me, of which I'm sure you had no clue and so it's kind of pointless for me to bring up, but still...
Next, Miss K. Please forgive me for all the crap I said and put you through. Its been almost a year, and I've only seen you once. I don't know if you saw me, but I had no clue what would happen if we talked or made contact. I don't think I want to be friends again, I think we'll never have it together enough to do that. But I'd like us to not be awkward around each other, so that we could be in the same place at the same time without weirding each other out. I'm still not sure of all the stuff I did to hurt you, everything was a little vague, but know that I'm in the process of forgiving you for the hurt you put on me.
Next, Ms. Soloist. Please forgive me for getting soooooooooo angry with you. You push my buttons so quickly, but I should learn how to deal with it. I'm having a really hard time, but I am trying. You really haven't done anything for which I need to forgive you, because I know the problem is only in me, and my quick temper.
Last, my classmates. Please forgive me for all the weird stuff I do. I realize I rarely have a shut up filter on. I am a bumbling bundle of awkwardness, and my social skills are basically nonexistent. I am trying so hard, but I have a hard time connecting with people, and when I do I come on waaaay to strong and turn really creepy and I don't mean to, truly I don't. I realize this happens only after the fact, and it often is so hard to fix it. But know, its all done in good intentions. Forgive me my awkwardness.

So, my point in this jumbled mess. Wickedness and evil happen, and its so easy. But we need to forgive each other, even when it is so very hard to do, and more importantly, we need to ask to be forgiven when we know there's a problem. It takes a lot of heart and guts and it tests the soul and patience so much, but in the end, we are all a little bit better as people. We will never get rid of evil, but maybe we can fix the aftermath.